dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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