I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
