Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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