I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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