im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
