there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
