i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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