Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
