giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
