Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
