I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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