he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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