You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
