You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
