What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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