Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
