seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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