He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
