He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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