it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
