It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
