I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
