yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is my gift to your gina
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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