I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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