he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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