I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
