my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
