do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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