and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
