I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
