also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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