Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
