Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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