I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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