Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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