saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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