Can Purell be used as lube?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
