Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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