Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
