I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why are your pants in the freezer?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
