you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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