my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
