Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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