God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
