I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
