So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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