Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
