I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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