We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
