I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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