Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
