I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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