My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
