Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
