I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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