My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
