I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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