I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
